Why I wear Hat and Clogs
by Grinning Fox
Summary: The fateful night Rukia is taken back to the Soul Society, a certain former captain reflects on the lives he's affected as well as himself.


_The hat on my head hides my shame beneath the shadow of remorse. The clogs I wear drown out the sounds of my mind thinking of my failures. I suppose this is why I'm called Mr. Hat and Clogs._

The rain fell steadily over a quiet city in the western providence of Tokyo. It was a decent sized city with a good populace that mulled through the everyday routine known as life. They woke and slept, worked and bummed around, ate and starved, laughed and cried. Such is the way for any city, really. There were good people and there were bad people, but such was the nature of things.

_No matter how bright the light you shine is, it will always cast shadows. It's just a natural part of reality I guess. What's funny is that even shadows have shadows. Even fear has things it fears and so it cast a shadow for itself and that shadow will do the same…it's a vicious cycle ya see?_

It had been raining a couple days now which left streets busy even at night with small rivers washing through them. The lights of the city reflected off the falling rain and gave an almost inviting glow to the air as if offering a festive feel to cover the gloom of the night. A screech carried through the night and with it a scream that soon went silent. No one would hear either sound nor even be aware of what had happened…that's how people were. A blissful shield to protect their minds from the truths around them that lingered so close it could send chills down their neck with its cold breath.

A lone figure walked through the streets of the city with an umbrella in hand and a cane hanging off the forearm. The sound of water splashing with the clunking of clogs was both a relaxing and irritating sound to the ears but it hardly mattered. These were one of those nights that only brought on a need to be in the gloom to hide one's own gloom.

For a moment, the figure stopped walking and let the umbrella rest back against his shoulder while he leaned back some to look toward the sky and the falling rain from it. He set a hand to his green and white striped hat to hold it down over his sand-blonde hair. The brim of the hat kept the water from striking his eyes, but as the brim got wet and the water curved toward the tip, it dripped down onto his cheeks and slowly streaked down; as if, he was shedding tears.

A faint little grin played over his features, as if he knew a dirty little secret about the sky and was smiling at it knowingly while the sky cried to him; and yet, he felt he was the sky right now. It was amazing how easy it was to hide behind pleasant smiles and fans but hard to actually admit to your own sorrow. For him it was almost an art form, putting on false faces like they were mask he could just pull from a trunk. Why did he do it?

_Because I'm an intelligent, good-for-nothing._ He thought to himself which only widen his grin. Both descriptions were common tag to his name and yet it was amazing how both could be disproved by actions in his life. So many lives had been cursed because he had sought to know the things that should never be known, and in wake of such searched had created that which he shouldn't have.

_Those that go seeking to bite from the fruit of the tree of knowledge damn all around them and forever leave a taint to the land they walk._ So was what he had learned and thought after reading some Western religious text. Oh how the concepts of religion were amusing to him…if only people knew what existed around them. _But ignorance is bliss and a curse wrapped nicely in a box with a golden box._

The man chuckled lightly to himself and brought his umbrella back up to shield himself from the tears of the sky. There was no real reason for his laughter as there was nothing of humor in his thoughts or around him, and yet it just was something he had to laugh at: the there lack of anything to laugh about.

The whines of a cat lured his shaded gaze to one side of the sidewalk to see a cat lingering in a trash can that had been knocked over. "You poor thing…" He muttered aloud to the feline, "seems the sky isn't on your side tonight…then again it never really is on anyone's side but its own, don't ya think?"

As if to agree the cat glanced up to him with its golden orbs and let out a soft reply before running a paw over an ear. The strange man waved back at the cat and chuckled before continuing on his way through the night. "Would things be different had my life not been crossed by a black cat?"

His mind brought back those golden orbs, but these ones belonged to a woman that could offer a real smile unlike the deceit he put forth to hide himself. Her tanned skin helped make her eyes shine like stars against the night sky and her lavender hair gave to her an air of mysteriousness that made one linger to know about the woman whose smile could melt icecaps.

A friend since they were little who shared laughs with him and smiles. _Those were good times…times when I really could smile and it not be a ruse…_

Perhaps had they not met, things would not have happened they way they did. Such a foolish thought in all truth, and so foolish it made him laugh into the night. As the laughs turned to chuckles and those turned to light jolts of humor, he could not help but ask if she hated him for being such a fool.

"Oh Yoruichi, will ya look to rake your claws at me or do you only hiss for what I've done?" He mused aloud once more. He still wore a grin as if he was musing about something pervertedly pleasant, but the shadows of his hat could do little to hide the sorrow in his eyes. Yes, this was how he always looked and why he wore a hat…

"To hide my shame…"

Click, clack…

Click….clack….

Click…

Clack….

So why did he wear clogs? They were not necessarily the most comfortable footwear he could wear these days; what with all the options available thanks to the wonders of technology and use of rubber. So why did he wear them still?

The man in green drew the umbrella down in front of him and closed it. With a few shakes to remove the rain on it so it could gather fresh new drops he tucked it under his arm. Strangely he felt a need to hum as he slipped his cane off his arm to use it properly. He really didn't need it for the purpose of aiding in walking, but it was an aesthetic touch to his image. "A man with a cane is quite a pain, but never insane." He mused aloud and chuckled as his grin maintained itself; as if it was a permanent feature that could never fade from his lips.

He certainly caused a lot of pain, there was no doubt about that…

Curious minds like to work at the fence between what is acceptable and safe, and what is taboo and dangerous. Scientist dwell in a world of what-ifs and with this they like to move that fence more and more to give themselves more and more space to work with. Like all things, there is a point when that fence will touch a landmine and blow everything apart.

He found his landmine and destroyed so many lives…

It wasn't just the lives of those that were forever changed into horrid shadows of what they once were, nor the life of such a dear friend that threw away everything she had for him, or even the life of a second friend who also threw away everything he had…No…

"Buzz…buzz…buzz, buzz….buzzzzz…" He let the little noise rolling on his tongue until it faded with his breath. "She always wanted to sting me for her idol, but now I have given her every reason to do so in kind…yes little bee, you deserve to sting me…no sweet honey for this fool. Just give me the bitter stuff if you would…"

The blonde-haired man shifted his cane from his right to his left and reached up with the free hand to pull his bucket hat further over his eyes. For once this evening his smile actually faded and was replaced with the slightest of frowns. His eyes glared past the locks of hair lingering before his eyes and at the brim of his hat that made his world so dark under this hat.

It was an awkward feeling to know you had caused harm to such a dear friend for two reasons and only apologize for one. He had loafed about often but he never let his mind do the same as his body. No…he knew how his friend looked at that little bee and how that little bee looked to his friend. Such a hard working girl who smiled brightly when around her idol who in turn was as happy as she could be.

_She never would admit it nor would I ask it, but I know why she smiled and laughed as she did. That girl was her world, but how could she as the commander-in-chief and captain ever admit such a thing? How could she as a princess state such truths? The funny thing about gold, it glimmers just as nicely when wet with tears as it does when bright with laughter._

Yes, he knew his friend loved that girl who now was likely a woman in her own right; but likely not a woman remotely close to that girl that his friend had loved so dearly. He was to blame for this, he knew that. Out of all the things that plagued his conscious, this was the one that took from him the ability to wear his little masks of lies.

_I no longer see that same glimmer in your eyes, Yoruichi. It's all but a faint glimmer now, like an ember being engulfed in the dark as it flickers itself into the void._

He realized he had stopped walking and once more smiled as the sounds came back to him.

Click…

Clack….

Click…Clack…

Click, Clack….

These clogs buried away such thoughts and let him once more wear his little masks. This was why he wore clogs…

To drown out the sounds of his own failures…

And before him in a puddle of blood was a young man staring up at the sky with hollow eyes. "Well now Ichigo this just won't do…not in the least bit my friend…"

The funny things about failures and mistakes…

They're only the beginning of solutions.


End file.
